


not another twitter au

by aelisheva



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Gen, Jewish Five Hargreeves, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, Non-Binary Klaus Hargreeves, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, Transgender Allison Hargreeves, autistic vanya and ben, but nothing bad comes of it, diego’s stutter, except for luther, klaus and five’s ptsd, luther has ocd, meme and vine references aplenty, mentions of ableist language in chapter 9 be warned, nonbinary male five hargreeves, she and eudora patch are trans women, social media/twitter au, some trolling/cyberbullying/death threats/etc be warned, the one where all the hargreeves kids have stans, trans girl claire hargreeves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2020-03-08 07:49:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 6,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18890311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelisheva/pseuds/aelisheva
Summary: The Hargreeves family, all now celebrities after stopping the apocalypse for good, must now navigate the vast world of Twitter.





	1. vanya hargreeves protection squad

**Vogue** @voguemagazine

The Umbrella Academy will be gracing the cover of our August issue. See the full photo-shoot at the link in our bio.

|

>> **Vogue** @voguemagazine

[photo descriptions for attached pictures:] Black and white shots of Diego Hargreeves holding a sword horizontally in both hands behind his back, Vanya staring wide-eyed at the camera holding a violin bow in each hand, Allison relaxing on a chaise lounge in a poufy dress.

|

 **diego hargreeves love bot** @knifebby 

@ReleaseTheKraken diego hargreeves, if you read this, i’m free on thursday night and would like to hang out. please respond to this and then hang out with me on thursday night when i’m free.

|

 **❤️ marie ❤️** @thekraaakvn 

diego in the new vogue shoot. that's it that's the tweet

|

 **#1 allison stan** @rumorhvrgreeevs

um how is no one talking about allison in this shoot? she looks like a goddess?? like always???

|

 **cassie** @umbrellaaaah

funny how @voguemagazine literally put the woman who *blew up the moon* on their cover and praised her as a hero 🙃🙃🙃

|

 **:P** @numberfvve 

@umbrellaaaah @VanyaHargreeves blast urself into the sun challenge

|

 **cassie** @umbrellaaaah

@umbrellaaaah @numberfvve @VanyaHargreeves the benefits of killing her would be that the moon would blow up way less

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 **Ben Hargreeves**  @youreakidyoureasquid 

@umbrellaaah @numberfvve Stop Being Asshats To My Sister Challenge.

|

 **Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@umbrellaaah @numberfvve @youreakidyoureasquid Stop Being PRICKS To Vanya And Get A Life Challenge!!

|

 **Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@umbrellaaah @numberfvve @VanyaHargreeves is a hero who helped SAVE the world and undid *all* the damage she did. Unlike you two, she's done more with her life than harassing random people online.

|

 **Five** @Five

@umbrellaaah @numberfvve If anything, *you two* should be blasted into the sun. In fact, I have connections that could make that a reality.

|

 **diego hargreeves love bot**  @knifebby 

@Five wE STAN A PROTECTIVE FAMILY

|

 **diego hargreeves love bot**  @knifebby 

@VanyaHargreeves appreciation post since way too many asshats have been bashing her lately ✨

{this post has 3.5 k retweets.}

 


	2. come on, vogue, let your body move to the music!

**Vogue** @voguemagazine

Luther, Ben, Klaus, and Five Hargreeves from our cover shoot this month.

|

>> **Vogue** @voguemagazine

[photo descriptions for attached pictures:] A bearded Luther in a suit and long coat looking through a telescope, Ben walking along the shore with a black hooded cape blowing behind him in the wind, Klaus sitting on a table holding a wineglass and wearing a pink slip dress, Five staring at the camera in front of a chalkboard littered with formulas and calculations.

|

 **Klaus**  @klaustrophobic

Fun fact, @Five only agreed to take part in the Vogue shoot with us if Dolores was with him in the room the whole time :3

|

 **seance stan** @nvmbvrfvvr 

@klaustrophobic @Five AWWWW

|

 **megan** @theseancee

@klaustrophobic @Five so pure :')))

|

 **Five** @Five

@klaustrophobic *Please* stop leading people on to believe I'm a sentimental person. That is utterly false.

|

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@Five Ok, just don't let Dolores hear you say that.....

|

 **Five** @Five

@youreakidyoureasquid That's what she likes the best about me, but go off I guess.

|

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@Five Please never use modern slang ever again.

|

 **ben's future wife!** @squidkid 

ok but why is no one talking about hOW GOOD BEN LOOKS IN THE NEW PHOTO SHOOT

|

 **jessie** @thehorrorr

@squidkid   I K R

|

 **jessie**  @thehorrorr

@squidkid but no one's talking abt luther either it's weird...

|

 **ben's future wife!** @squidkid 

that's bc he has no stans

|

___

 **Klaus**  @klaustrophobic

Fun fact number two, that wineglass in my picture is *actually* filled with water dyed red with food coloring. That's right, this pan nonbinary seance has officially been sober/high on life for over a month now. Thank you @voguemagazine for respecting this.

|

 **David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@klaustrophobic So proud of you babe **❤️**

|

\---

 **David Joshua Katz**  @katzmeow

 

how to make spaghetti

|

 **David Joshua Katz**  @katzmeow

how to make spaghetti from a box

|

 **David Joshua Katz**  @katzmeow

how to make spaghetti from a box the right way

|

 **David Joshua Katz**  @katzmeow

wait a second this isn't google

|

 **David Joshua Katz**  @katzmeow

why does every app on my phone look the same. computers in the 60s were the size of a bedroom but they were easy to use. how do kids these days understand phones enough to get so addicted to them?? i tell you, the future is insane.

|

 **seance stan** @nvmbvrfvvr 

was no one going to tell me that klaus hargreeves is dating a vietnam war soldier who time traveled to 2019 or was i just supposed to figure that out myself

{this post has 4k retweets}

|

 **ana** @theamazingana

@nvmbvrfvvr klaus WHAT

|

 **seance stan** @nvmbvrfvvr 

yeah buzzfeed just wrote this whole article about it!! 2019 is so wild

 


	3. "holy shit, time travel is real!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what time is it? time for speculation on dave's backstory!
> 
> all historical research was done myself, i probably made a lot of errors lol.

**BuzzFeed** @BuzzFeed

[embedded in this tweet is a link to an article entitled "Klaus Hargreeves Dating A Time Traveling Vietnam Vet STILL Isn't The Weirdest Thing About 2019"]

WE'RE JUST AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE.

\------

"Klaus Hargreeves Dating A Time Traveling Vietnam Vet STILL Isn't The Weirdest Thing About 2019"

Written by Lea Stronach, BuzzFeed News Reporter

 

[photo description: a vintage-looking photograph of Klaus Hargreeves and Dave Katz in 60s-era military uniforms.]

**Last week on Twitter, Klaus Hargreeves' boyfriend David Joshua Katz shared this photograph of the two of them dressed as Vietnam War soldiers.**

 

**It wasn't edited and they weren't in costume.**

 

Katz shared the photograph last Thursday "on the anniversary of the day he was drafted.” It is still unclear how the two met, or how Katz found his way to 2019. (Five Hargreeves, the only member of their family who can time travel, refused to comment when we reached out to them.)

 

Surprisingly, this is not an elaborate prank. No, really. I recently sat down with Dave for an interview and this is what he had to say for himself:

 

_LS: Did you really grow up half a century ago?_

DK: Uh...yeah. When you say it like that, it makes me feel old. (laughs) I really was born March 18th, 1943 in Boston, Massachusetts to Adam and Geraldine Katz. A year or so after that, we moved to Charleston, South Carolina and planted our roots there. Then my younger brother -- well, technically Joel's older than me now, but he was born in 1956.....I missed his Bar Mitzvah because I was enlisted.

 

_Oh, that's awful. But you see him and your parents a lot more now, right?_

Yeah! Yeah, luckily I managed to track them down, and luckily my parents are still alive now. They're all just really old. Well, older than me.

 

_When were you enlisted? What was that like?_

In July 1967. When I got the news I...didn't know how to react. In World War Two, my dad's sister was a nurse and my mom's brother was in the Air Force. My cousin Ronnie was drafted into the Korean War. He died overseas....I knew that my parents were going to make this huge deal out of it, but I didn't want to fight! It just seemed like a pointless war. 

 

_So were you a draft dodger?_

I was too _scared_ to be a draft dodger. Too scared of getting arrested or caught. Plus I didn't have the money to run away to Canada. _That's_ why I shipped out.

 

_When did you meet Klaus?_

After almost a full year of service. It was the middle of the night, and then all of a sudden I was woken up by this weird noise and flash of light and -- he was just standing there in the middle of the bunk, half naked, holding a suitcase. When he said he wanted us to go steady, I was surprised. I mean, here's the coolest person I'd ever met saying he was in love with some square who....who always says 'excuse me' before pushing past strangers on the street!

 

_How did you get back to 2019?_

Per Five's request, that's classified. Sorry.

 

_That's fine.....what's the weirdest thing about living in the future?_

Well, all the new music's crap. Too electric, no soul to it like there was in the old days. Other than that....Ben keeps trying to get me into 'memes' but they're all too abstract and make no sense.

 

{This interview has been compressed for time.}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: for future reference, five goes by he/they pronouns here.


	4. yet another reason why luther is the worst

**Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

Now that The Apocalypse has been averted, I've got a lot more free time. Any suggestions for new shows I could watch?

|

>> **Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

Why has no one replied to this tweet

|

 **Diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@Goodbyemoonmen Maybe it's because your "Rick and Morty" username has already indicated to the world that you're a lost cause.

|

 **Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@ReleaseTheKraken What's that supposed to mean?? You have to have a very high intellect to be able to be able to understand Rick and Morty. The humor is extremely subtle, and (1/?)

|

 **parvati :D** @uacademyyyy

@Goodbyemoonmen  hOLY SHIT LUTHER ACTUALLY DID THAT ENTIRE STUPID COPYPASTA

{this tweet quote of @Goodbyemoonmen has 2k retweets.}

|

 **penny :DD** @penniesfromheaven

@uacademyyyy YET ANOTHER REASON WHY @Goodbyemoonmen IS THE LEAST FAVORITE HARGREEVES

|

\---

 **Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

So apparently I'm everyone's least favorite Hargreeves now. Any way I could change that?? ;)))

|

 **Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

Why is no one replying to this i have plenty of followers

|

 **Vanya "stop calling me a villain" Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@Goodbyemoonmen Maybe it was because you choked me and locked me in a vault. Just a wild guess.

{this post has 6.5k retweets}

|

 **penny :DD**  @penniesfromheaven

@VanyaHargreeves i'm sorry WHAT

|

 **tyler** @tylerrrr

@Goodbyemoonmen WHAT THE  F U C K

|

\----

 **tyler** @tylerrrr

#SpaceboyIsCancelledParty

{this hashtag is now #3 on Trending.}

\----

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turns out it's really really hard to keep coming up with fake twitter usernames. if any of you have any ideas for those (or ideas for future chapters), comment em below!


	5. eudora, diego, and their not-so-secret secret relationship

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

[photo description for attached picture: Allison at her house smiling and giving a big thumbs-up to the camera, with Vanya and Detective Eudora Patch sitting behind her giving less enthusiastic thumbs-ups.]

girls night!!

|

 **$0.05** @onlyfivecents

what were you all doing in this picture?? i need to know

|

 **Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@onlyfivecents taking a quick break during our karaoke night last night!

|

 **ALLISON REPLIED** @onlyfivecents

@RealAHargreeves AHHHH

|

 **#1 allison stan** @rumorhvrgreeevs

@RealAHargreeves @VanyaHargreeves @DetEPatch what was on the set list??

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 **Vanya** **"i thought you were american" Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@rumorhvrgreeevs Lots of Hamilton, bc Allie picked the set list bc she was the only one who actually wanted to sing!!

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@VanyaHargreeves ^^

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@rumorhvrgreeevs If you were wondering, when we sang "Schuyler Sisters," Allie was Angelica, I was Eliza, Vanya was Peggy. (Diego was Burr, he crashed our party later for some weird reason.)

|

 **Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@DetEPatch Yeah, idk why he came by either. Maybe he was returning stuff he borrowed from me?

|

 **Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@DetEPatch Hey maybe neither of us understood that bc it was lost in TRANS-lation

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@RealAHargreeves PFF

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

Yeah, Diego came by just as we were finishing all the Hamilton songs "we" all wanted to do. It's a shame he didn't come by earlier, if he did we could have sung "Helpless" with him as Hamilton.

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

Shit i shouldn't have revealed that we're dating

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

Shit i shouldn't have tweeted that

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

Shit, I really should have corrected my grammar in my last two tweets....

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@DetEPatch It's okay babe, I still love you ;))

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@ReleaseTheKraken Says the one who once winked so much at a guy you were flirting with that he just thought you had something in your eye.

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@DetEPatch why did you tell everyone that!!

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@ReleaseTheKraken I'm your girlfriend, that's my job. <3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much to WhiteDoveFly for help with fake twitter usernames!! <3
> 
> if you have any other username ideas/chapter ideas/lofty praise/very specific threats for me, drop em below in the comments!


	6. and at last i see the light

**blupe** @blue_dabedee_dabedie

@VanyaHargreeves hey do you have any embarrassing stories about your siblings?? you seem like the one who'd know all the gossip and ~spill the beans~

|

 **Vanya "nobody tells me anything" Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@blue_dabedee_dabedie Unfortunately, I have no beans to spill. But @youreakidyoureasquid on the other hand....

|

 **vanya rEPLIED** @blue_dabedee_dabedie

@VanyaHargreeves aww but you were the one who exposed luther!!

|

\---

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

Someone asked earlier, and Vanya is correct, I'm *more* than happy to ~spill the beans~

|

 **vanya rEPLIED** @blue_dabedee_dabedie

@youreakidyoureasquid  DO IT DO IT

|

 **leonardo da vinci was gay** @artschool_dropout

@youreakidyoureasquid is luther *really* a rick and morty neckbeard??

|

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

@artschool_dropout Not so much anymore, I think you all bullied him into toning that down :O

|

 **the audacity** @fuckingay

@youreakidyoureasquid  thank GOD

|

\---

 **the audacity**  @fuckingay

@Goodbyemoonmen ....do you like bananas

|

 **existence is hell** @coffinchild

@fuckingay @Goodbyemoonmen ^^

|

 **ellie** @ellieisabuttface

@Goodbyemoonmen DO YOU LIKE BANANAS THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW

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 **Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@ellieisabuttface @fuckingay @coffinchild If you all keep asking me that I'm gonna GO bananas.

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 **ellie** @ellieisabuttface

@Goodbyemoonmen  what

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@Goodbyemoonmen ...Are you sure you're not *already* bananas from being on the moon?

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 **Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@ReleaseTheKraken NOT ANOTHER WORD

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@Goodbyemoonmen ((another word))

|

 **Luther "The Spaceboy" Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@ReleaseTheKraken At least I'm not the one obsessed with dad rock and trashy pop music!!

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@Goodbyemoonmen  YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABBA IS NOT TRASHY

|

 **viola** @whitevviolin

@ReleaseTheKraken yet another reason why everyone hates luther!!!!

|

 **viola** @whitevviolin

@ReleaseTheKraken btw what's your favorite abba song???

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@whitevviolin Right now it's between "Vouslez Vous" and "Kisses Of Fire."

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@ReleaseTheKraken @whitevviolin He also cried at the ending of Mamma Mia 2.

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@DetEPatch SHUT UP SO DID YOU

|

\----

 **dawn** @auroraborealiss

ok so we know that the hargreeveses (+ eudora patch) have karaoke nights, but do they have disney movie marathons??

|

 **Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@auroraborealiss I wish we did! I haven't seen Tangled in so long. Plus due to time travel constrains, Dave hasn't seen anything past The Jungle Book and Five hasn't seen past Treasure Planet.

|

 **Five** @Five

@klaustrophobic That’s because Treasure Planet is the best one! What more could you want?

|

**Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@Five Uhh only the best romance in all of cinema between Rapunzel and Flynn??

|

**Vanya “still not a villain” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@klaustrophobic It’s funny because you and Dave are LITERALLY Flynn and Rapunzel

|

**? @jakegyllenhaaaal**

@VanyaHargreeves OMG THEY ARE

|

**Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@VanyaHargreeves No we’re not?? What are you talking about??

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@klaustrophobic I’d agree with you if I knew what this fakakta argument was even about.

|

**Vanya “still not a villain” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@katzmeow “Fakakta????”

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@VanyaHargreeves It’s Yiddish for ridiculous. Akh v’shalom, Five knows more Yiddish than you ;)

|

**brie** @matzahbrie

@katzmeow we stan a nice jewish boy!!

{this tweet quote has 1.5k retweets}

|

**brie** @matzahbrie

he is a dynamite six foot jewish bitch and he is the best

|

\---

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

Hey @Goodbyemoonmen what if you threw Five at a burglar or whatever and then they scratched the burglar’s eyes out

|

**Luther “The Spaceboy” Hargreaves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@youreakidyoureasquid Please stop talking.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> five bucks and i'll actually write that stupid tangled au
> 
> shout out to Aberdeen for help with fake twitter names! :D
> 
> as usual, if you have any future chapter ideas/fake usernames/cryptic prophecies, comment em below!


	7. i can do it yes i can because i am a jewish american

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> five, wearing a kippah: on my way to steal your bitch. *weird flute noises*

**Vanya “still not evil” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@katzmeow Yesterday during our “Tangled” argument you said that Five knew more Yiddish than me and I thought that was a joke. But I was walking through the house and I just overheard him in his room practicing from a Yiddish phrase book??

|

Five @Five

@VanyaHargreeves That phrase book was for Ladino (a language made from Hebrew + Spanish), not Yiddish. But yes, I did ask Dave to lend it to me.

|

 **Vanya “still not evil” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@Five oh cool

|

 **Vanya “still not evil” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

…. @Five do u have a crush on dave

|

 **Five** @Five

@VanyaHargreeves PFHJDHIHJBS WHAT.

|

 **Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@Five [back_off_bitch.jpeg](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DXIZUIoV4AA7J0I.jpg)

|

 **Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@Five alexa play “jolene” by dolly parton

|

 **Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@Five I’M BEGGIN OF YOU PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY MAAAAN

|

 **Five** @Five

@VanyaHargreeves @klaustrophobic I AM IN CURRENTLY IN A FANTASTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH DOLORES AND I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HER.

|

 **Five** @Five

>> Also, NO. It WASN’T for Dave, it was for ME. I was just going through some files in Reginald’s study and I found out that my birth family on both sides was Sephardic Jews from Spain who’d escaped to Constantinople/Istanbul during the Spanish Inquisition. That’s why I was adopted in Istanbul, Turkey.

{this tweet has 1.5k retweets.}

|

 **brie** @matzahbrie

JEWISH FIVE JEWISH FIVE

|

 **five hargreeves love bot** @numberfifth

AAAAAAAH

|

 **David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@Five What phrases have you learned so far??

|

 **Five** @Five

@katzmeow “Nice to meet you,” “You look beautiful Dolores,” “Luther, if you touch my mug again I will snap your spine.”

|

 **Five** @Five

>> Ladino is such a beautiful language...😊

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> five!! don't take dave from klaus just because you can!!!!
> 
> ((btw please don't *actually* start shipping five/dave because of this. it was a JOKE and ships w huge age differences are GROSS. i don't care if five is "technically" in his sixties. ))
> 
> Five being Jewish was inspired by the fic "I have a name, goddamn it" by Spikedpoppies.  
> Five being adopted in Istanbul was inspired by this other fic that I really wish I could find -- it shows Reggie adopting Five from Istanbul, Diego from Mexico City, Luther from London, Allison from Houston, etc. If anyone knows the name please tell me!!
> 
> any new fake usernames/chapter ideas/shakespearean love letters? comment below!!


	8. old man yells at cloud

**jamie** @jayjayyyy

so just to recap

luther hargreeves = buff blond boi who everyone hates

dave katz = buff blond boi who everyone loves

{this tweet has 2k retweets.}

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@onlyfivecents your math skills are fantastic ;)

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

by the way isn’t it so cool that you can make faces with your letters now??

:D :) ;) :O >:)

|

**megan** @ryeanreynolds

@katzmeow wait what about emojis??

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@ryeanreynolds emojis are annoying and they make me cry ---> 🤣 

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

what do you mean that isn’t the crying emoji

{this tweet has 2.2k retweets.}

|

**megan** @ryeanreynolds

this just in: david j. katz is a giant fucking baby boomer

|

**miguel** @sourpickle

@ryeanreynolds ok but klaus’s bf was born around the start of ww2 and is old enough to be my grandpa and yet he’s *still* unproblematic?? what????

|

**megan** @ryeanreynolds

dave: i have done nothing wrong in my life, ever

everyone: i know this, and i love you

|

\----

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

…..if i went to a restaurant and asked for a senior citizen discount do you think they’d actually give it to me???

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@katzmeow David, you are dating the heir of a billionaire.

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@youreakidyoureasquid yeah i know, but i just went to @IHOP for some breakfast with klaus and when i asked the waitress if i could get that discount she just glared at us!!!

|

**Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@katzmeow ^^^^

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

Hey @IHOP I didn’t realize that you trained your staff to be disrespectful to veterans/senior citizens!! 

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

>> Ugh, MILLENNIALS

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

>> Also the music was too loud! If you could call that “EDM” crap MUSIC. 

|

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

And my coffee was too hot!!

|

\----

**Luther “The Spaceboy” Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

[photo description: Luther eating a large banana split]

Ice cream with the fam!!

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@Goodbyemoonmen ah HA!

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@Goodbyemoonmen  S O   Y O U   D O   L I K E   B A N A N A S

|

**Luther “The Spaceboy” Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@youreakidyoureasquid S H U T  T H E  F U C K  U P

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@Goodbyemoonmen i would but tHIS SHIT IS BANANAS

|

**Luther “The Spaceboy” Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@youreakidyoureasquid DON’T

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@Goodbyemoonmen ...b-a-n-a-n-a-s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as per usual, if you have any fake usernames or chapter ideas, plop em below!!


	9. don't be a jerk on the internet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for this chapter: ableist language, mentions of teasing/so-called “jokes” about speech impediments/ocd/ptsd (flashbacks)/autism/“autistic” as an insult/infantilization/the r-word

**eliza** @eliiizaaaa

hey you!! if you know someone with a speech impediment, don’t make fun of the way they talk!!!!

{this tweet has 7k retweets}

|

**diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@eliiizaaaa ^^^^

|

**eliza** @eliiizaaaa

@ReleaseTheKraken ????

|

**diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@eliiizaaaa ….I stutter? Is that not common knowledge?

{this tweet has 7k retweets}

|

**diego stutters!** @ReleaseTheKraken

>> well it is now

|

**Eddie Novak** @blahblahblah

@ReleaseTheKraken @eliiizaaaa Ugh, calm down, you two. JESUS, can’t any of you millennials take a JOKE? 🤣

|

**Five** @Five

@blahblahblah As a Millennial, I can confirm that we (and Gen Z) *can* take jokes. Jokes are harmless gags that anyone can laugh at. Making fun of a speech impediment, on the other hand, is *bullying.* 

{this tweet has 6k retweets}

|

**Five** @Five

@blahblahblah Also, Millennial should be capitalized in your last tweet.

|

**Eddie Novak** @blahblahblah

@Five Why do you care so much? YOU don’t stutter.  🙄

|

**Five** @Five

@blahblahblah True, but Klaus and I do have PTSD, and we know what it’s like to constantly hear “jokes” about war flashbacks.

|

**Five** @Five

>> Klaus hates the sound of gunfire and being stuck in confined dark spaces. I can’t STAND the feeling of being completely alone/stranded for long periods of time. It’s NOT fun.

|

**Luther “The Spaceboy” Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@Five @blahblahblah While we’re on the subject, as a teen I was diagnosed with OCD. Also not funny. One day, Dad offhandedly mentioned that I might have to prep for a supervillain who could read minds. From then on I was TERRIFIED that people could hear all of my thoughts. Luckily, some later therapy and medicine helped to curb that down.

|

**Luther “The Spaceboy” Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

>> Speaking of meds, TAKING MEDICINE FOR MENTAL DISORDERS IS NOT CHEATING YOUR WAY TO RECOVERY!! It took a long time for me to realize that, unfortunately.

{this tweet has 3k retweets}

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@blahblahblah Hey while we’re at it, can allistics also stop using “autistic” or the r-word as an ~edgy joke~ or an insult? And stop making fun of our social skills/purposefully ignoring people in group settings? And stop infantilizing us?? Just an #actuallyautistic psa from me (+ vanya!!)

|

**diego stutters!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@blahblahblah The moral of the story is don’t be a jerk on the internet!!

{this tweet has 4k retweets.}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some friendly reminders from the UA and this neurodivergent gal!! please note that i do not stutter or have ptsd, so feel free to tell me if the representation here (or any rep throughout this story) is presented wrong, or if i’m talking over anyone on important issues.


	10. i'm not like a regular mom, i'm a cool mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes back three weeks late with starbucks* what did i miss?
> 
> yes, this story’s still going strong! just took a hiatus in order to take part in the tua big bang “summer of seven” hosted by kaulayau here on ao3. check it out when you have the chance, all of it is so so good.
> 
> someone requested a pride-related chapter so here it is! i’m cishet/not part of the lgbt community at all (and white), so that’s why this was on the more lighthearted side -- i didn’t want to talk over anyone on important issues. feel free to let me know if any type of rep here or throughout this fic is presented wrong.

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

[photo description: Allison and Claire (Claire’s face is blurred out for privacy) posing in outfits with poufy pink, white, and blue skirts. Allison wears a Marsha P. Johnson shirt.] Can’t believe this Pride Month was months ago.  #TBT

|

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

We still have these outfits, by the way. Isn't the sheer fabric of the skirts so cool?

|

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

>> @RealAHargreeves You might even say that the fabric is

|

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

>> @RealAHargreeves TRANSLUCENT

{this tweet has 6.5k retweets.}

|

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

Thank you all for appreciating my puns. Claire thinks they’re dorky. :P

|

**dee** @rrumorstan

@RealAHargreeves why does she think they’re dorky?? they’re amazing!

|

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@rrumorstan I don’t know, honestly. For some reason she’s always viewed them as

|

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

>> @rrumorstan PUNishment

|

\------

**Klaus** @klaustrophobic

[photo description: selfie of Klaus giving a thumbs-up to the camera, with Five behind him. Klaus wears a headband with the nonbinary and pansexual pride flags attached, while Five waves a nonbinary pride flag in one hand. Five looks like he’s about to sneeze.] 

uh i don’t have a nonbinary pun (or a pan pun for *me*) but here’s me and five from this june! #TBT

|

**diego!!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@klaustrophobic  👍👍👍👍

|

**Five** @Five

@klaustrophobic I LOOK HORRIBLE IN THAT PICTURE TAKE IT DOWN

|

**Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@Five NO!!!!

|

\----

**Vanya “let’s go lesbians!” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

Thank you so much @WIRED for having me for one of your Autocomplete Interviews!! I had a great time.

|

**Vanya “let’s go lesbians!” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

>> [attached in the thread below are several clips from this interview.]

|

**Vanya “let’s go lesbians!” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

>> [video description: Vanya pulls off the white strip covering the “search bar suggestions” in front of her to reveal the next question. She says: “Does Vanya Hargreeves...have a girlfriend? Sadly, no, I do not have a girlfriend. Wish I did. {nervous laughter.}”]

|

**vanya’s future wife !** @vvhiteviolin

@VanyaHargreeves i’ll be your girlfriend!!

|

**zoe** @haaargreeves

aaand the line to apply to be the girlfriend of @VanyaHargreeves starts   👇 here  👇

{this tweet has 3.5k retweets}

|

**vanya’s future wife !** @vvhiteviolin

@haargreeves uhh zoe what makes you think she’s seriously gonna date *you*?? she’s like twice your age

|

**zoe** @haaargreeves

@vvhiteviolin ….she’s twice *your* age too, jess

|

**vanya’s future wife !** @vvhiteviolin

@haaargreeves SHUT UPPPP I CAN DREEEAM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to BenedictCumberlandAccent, Anxious_Trickster, and Jena on Discord for help in writing this chapter.


	11. squiddly diddly

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

Anyone know where I can find some good avocado toast around here? For some reason I’m really craving it lately :P  🥑🍞

|

**mindy** @mindyssupercool

@youreakidyoureasquid no one say it.

|

**mindy** @mindyssupercool

>> NO ONE DO THE VINE

|

**ellie** @ellieisabuttface

@youreakidyoureasquid GET TO DEL TACO, WE’VE GOT FRE-SHA-VO-CA-DO

|

**penny :DD** @penniesfromheaven

@youreakidyoureasquid an avocado!! thanks…

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

Everyone I need real answers not memes

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

Seriously I appreciate the thought bu **T** **_WHAT’S HAPPENINJKNHHK_ **

|

**Vanya “the cool one” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@youreakidyoureasquid What’s going on????

|

**diego!!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@youreakidyoureasquid What’s happening? Are you okay??

|

**Vanya “the cool one” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@youreakidyoureasquid ...and how are you doing that to your text on Twitter?

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

@VanyaHargreeves  **_AS THE HORROR I HAVE MANY UNCANNY ABILITIES_ **

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

**_YES, THE HORROR HAS TAKEN OVER BEN’S ACCOUNT. BEN IS FINE. AT THIS MOMENT HE TRIES (AND FAILS) TO DRAG MY TENTACLES AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD_ **

|

**diego!!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@youreakidyoureasquid Ben stay right there me and Vanya are coming to help

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

**_YOUR ATTEMPTS WILL BE FUTILE, VIOLIN HUMAN AND SO-CALLED-KRAKEN_ **

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

@ReleaseTheKraken  **_DO NOT CALL YOURSELF A KRAKEN IF YOU DO NOT EVEN HAVE TENTACLES_ **

|

**diego hargreeves love bot** @knifebby 

...did the horror, an interdimensional tentacle creature, just make a callout post for diego hargreeves

{this tweet has 3k retweets.}

|

**diego hargreeves love bot** @knifebby 

also IS BEN OKAY?? do we need to get @shanemadej and @ryansbergara on this to fight the horror?

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

@knifebby  **_THERE IS NO NEED TO CONTACT THE SHORT HUMAN AND THE PALE DEMON. I WILL BE RUNNING THIS ACCOUNT FROM NOW ON. FROM THERE I SHALL SPREAD MY REACH THROUGHOUT THE WORLD ANDFJGHDLGK_ ** djjgfkgfkjhkfjh

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

lvlf dj slkdfj kjb

|

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

Don’t worry everyone, I’m back now!! The Horror was just having another one of her episodes. I’m okay, thanks to Diego and Vanya <3

{this tweet has 5k retweets}


	12. justin h. min, if you’re out there,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i made this chapter just so i could talk about my awesome fancast idea
> 
> yes i understand that halle bailey is 10 years younger than him -- i'm saying that HYPOTHETICALLY if they were the same age, he'd be perfect for the role! at least i think so

**Entertainment News** @ActualENTNews

New Update on Disney’s live-action remake of “The Little Mermaid:” Congrats to HALLE BAILEY for being cast in the role of ARIEL!

{this tweet has 6.5k retweets.}

 

**Entertainment News** @ActualENTNews

This news has everyone wondering -- WHO is going to play Prince Eric?

 

**diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@ActualENTNews Me. It’s me. I’m the prince.

 

**Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@ReleaseTheKraken  Well, you’ve always been a prince to me ;)))

 

**diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@DetEPatch AGHHJHDJH STOP I’M GONNA CRY

 

**Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@ReleaseTheKraken ;))))

 

**marty** @umbrellakid

Ok I know that @youreakidyoureasquid is 10 years older than halle, but HYPOTHETICALLY ben hargreeves would be PERFECT as prince eric

 

**marty** @umbrellakid

i mean LOOK AT HIM

[ LOOK_AT_HIM.jpg ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/559df68440247432d02e1c9c18121417/tumblr_pr36gjfsVk1vdb6ilo1_640.jpg)

 

**marty** @umbrellakid

@youreakidyoureasquid so maybe not as prince eric *here* bc of the age difference, but BEN HARGREEVES AS ANY DISNEY PRINCE 2019

 

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@umbrellakid @Disney I’d be down to play a prince! 

{This tweet has 4.5k retweets.}

 

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@youreakidyoureasquid You’ve never even acted before :P

 

**Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@RealAHargreeves I CAN LEARN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't even think about putting any hate-speech about halle bailey's casting in the comments. all comments are moderated, as usual.


	13. oh, those russians

**Vanya “mother russia” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

Really proud of Five and Ben for starting to learn Hebrew/Korean to get closer to their respective birth families' cultures. Kinda makes me want to learn more about Russia, where I was adopted from. Does anyone know where I should start?

 

**Five** @Five

@VanyaHargreeves  [ This documentary ](https://www.google.com/search?q=anastasia+1997&oq=anastasia+19&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l5.3484j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) made in 1997 about Russia’s monarchy is very informative.

 

**Vanya “mother russia” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@Five IF THAT’S JUST “ANASTASIA” I SWEAR TO GOD

 

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@VanyaHargreeves Hey! “Anastasia” is an awesome movie!! “There’s A Rumor In St. Petersburg” is a great song!!

 

**Vanya “mother russia” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@RealAHargreeves You’re just saying that bc you’re The Rumor

 

**Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@VanyaHargreeves Ok if you don’t like that movie, then look at  [ this song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvS351QKFV4) \-- it was composed by a group of German diplomats in honor of the 1980 Moscow Olympics.

 

**Vanya “mother russia” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@klaustrophobic tHAT’S JUST THE “MOSKAU” SONG BY THAT OLD GERMAN BAND

 

**Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@VanyaHargreeves MOSKAU. FREMD UND GEHEIMNISVOLL.


	14. it’s claire!!

**Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

oh hello yes it sure is a wonderful day to be allison hargreeves

|

 **Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

GOTCHA IT’S REALLY CLAIRE!! mom’s letting me do a quick q&a on her account today since she still won’t let me get my own ;P

|

 **#1 allison stan** @rumorhvrgreeves

@RealAHargreeves I WAS FOOLED

|

 **#1 allison stan** @rumorhvrgreeves

@RealAHargreeves Claire how are you doing right now??

|

 **Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

@rumorhvrgreeves Ok I guess. Mom is putting on makeup rn for an interview and she KEEPS SINGING HAMILTON. Uncle Five is over our house in another room outlining his new top-secret project. But don’t worry, he says he won’t create a wormhole this time

|

 **#1 allison stan** @rumorhvrgreeves

@RealAHargreeves what do you

|

 **#1 allison stan** @rumorhvrgreeves

@RealAHargreeves @Five what do you mean this time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goddamn it five


	15. read all about it

**diego hargreeves love bot** @knifebby 

uH

|

**diego hargreeves love bot** @knifebby 

>> [Attached is a recent photo from Dora Patch's Instagram of her in middle school, where she's hugging a teen magazine with Diego Hargreeves’ face on the cover.] 

follow your dreams i guess

{this tweet has 3k retweets.}

|

**diego hargreeves love bot** @knifebby 

@ReleaseTheKraken did you know about this before today??

|

**diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@knifebby Yes, I did. Surprisingly it took her about a YEAR after we first got together for her to tell me she had a crush on me as a kid. And when she finally did, she added that she couldn't believe her old crush had picked *her* to date, out of anyone else in the world I could've chosen to be with. But she's always been memorable to me ;)

|

**Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@ReleaseTheKraken StOoOoOoP

  
  
  
  



	16. in which i realize that i probably shouldn’t be so mean to luther

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one where luther becomes a model, the internet makes fun of his body, and his siblings come to the rescue.

**Aero.** @Aeropostale

Meet the first round of celebs modeling this summer's swimsuit collection!

[attached are several photos, one of them being Luther Hargreeves, wearing a white tank top, orange swim shorts, and a cool blue pair of shades. His hairy arms and upper chest are visible.]

{this tweet has 2k retweets.}

 

|

 

**Luther Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

So uh

 

|

 

**Luther Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

 >> Thank you to Aeropostale for reaching out to me for their #bodypositive summer campaign. I’ve gotten a lot of modeling/endorsement offers from a few other companies, but Aero. was the only one who purposefully didn’t set up all my body hair as a joke. And I think the shoot turned out pretty good.

{this tweet has 1.5k retweets.}

 

|

 

**tyler** @tylerrrr

@Goodbyemoonmen  🤢

 

|

 

**brie** @matzahbrie

@Goodbyemoonmen EWWWW

 

|

 

**dawn** @auroraborealiss

@Goodbyemoonmen @Aeropostale who asked for this shoot????

 

|

 

**dawn** @auroraborealiss

@VanyaHargreeves why haven’t you roasted your brother on this super gross shoot yet??

 

|

 

**Vanya “anyone who’s roasting luther rn needs to stop asap” Hargreeves**

@auroraborealiss ...because i support him wanting to feel better about himself?

{this tweet has 3k retweets.}

 

|

 

**Vanya “anyone who’s roasting luther needs to stop asap” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@Goodbyemoonmen and I aren’t the best of friends. And there are things I still need to work out with him. But making fun of him because of an experiment he had NO CONTROL OVER is a LOW BLOW.

{this tweet has 3k retweets, including all of her siblings.}

 

|

 

**Luther Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@VanyaHargreeves Wow. Thank you.

 

|

 

**Luther Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

 >> SHIT THAT SOUNDED REALLY CURT AND RUDE

 

|

 

**Vanya “anyone who’s roasting luther needs to stop asap” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

@Goodbyemoonmen No no I get it <3

 

|

 

**Luther Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

@VanyaHargreeves Good. <3

 

|  
  



	17. old people are the greatest!

**Five** @Five

[attached is a selfie of Five, in their thirteen-year-old body]

Luther’s photoshoot has had me thinking a lot about body positivity lately. And there isn’t a lot of it going around for middle-aged and older people like me -- most of it focuses on young people. What I’m trying to say is -- not to quote a certain Vine, but I’m almost fifty-nine...and I feel great.

 

|

 

**Vanya “the awesome one” Hargreeves @VanyaHargreeves**

@Five Of course you feel great you’re like six years old and never get tired or anything. No 59-year-old adult has FACE ACNE

 

|

 

**Five** @Five

@VanyaHargreeves WOW OKAY where was all of this when Luther was getting ripped apart?

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> greetings and salutations, readers! this story is going to take a SHORT HIATUS until mid-august while i'm on vacation. until then, please enjoy this video of taika waititi singing in a vampire costume: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkQeexP4sp4


	18. this one's bad but whatever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why did i make this chapter you ask? i had no other ideas this week and this hashtag was trending recently

**diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

Okay so apparently #SupervillainClasses was trending a little while ago? Is there any reason for that?? Did someone start another rumor about our childhood training sessions? Because we never had "Supervillain Classes" and I'm super confused.

 

|

 

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@ReleaseTheKraken That's exactly what someone who took Supervillain Classes would say, to throw people off from the truth!!

 

|

 

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@youreakidyoureasquid Ben, you were there when we took all our classes.

 

|

 

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@ReleaseTheKraken Or was I?? :O

 

|

 

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

OK now I'm catching wind that #SupervillainClasses is just for fun

 

|

 

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

Ughhh I want to think of one for a tweet but I'm not coming up with anything today :((( Usually I'm so good at this stuff..

 

|

 

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@ReleaseTheKraken Well maybe if you showed up to Supervillain Classes once in a while you wouldn't even BE in this predicament. 


	19. appreciation

**David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

Here's a picture from 1966 of me and my older brothers -- Ben, Joel, and Adam. Found it at Ben's house when we were all hanging out yesterday. Damn, where did the time go?

[attached is an old picture of Dave Katz and his brothers. All of them are significantly taller, blonder, and buffer than he is -- if that's even possible.}

 

|

 

 **Adam Katz, Jr.** @AdamKatzJr

@katzmeow EASY FOR YOU TO SAY YOU'RE NOT THE ONE LOOKING AT NURSING HOMES

 

|

 

 **David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@AdamKatzJr WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE A TWITTER YOU'RE TOO OLD TO KNOW HOW IT WORKS

 

|

 

 **Adam Katz, Jr.** @AdamKatzJr

@katzmeow US BROTHERS WERE ONLY BORN A FEW YEARS APART FROM EACH OTHER AND YOU KNOW IT

 

**|**

 

 **Klaus** @klaustrophobic

@katzmeow Ok I know you said you were the "little brother" of your family buT HOLY SHIT YOUR BROTHERS ARE SO MUCH BUFFER THAN YOU HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE

 

|

 

 **David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@klaustrophobic They WERE buffer than me. Now @AdamKatzJr and Ben and Joel are all wrinkly old shrimps ;P

 

|

 

 **Adam Katz, Jr.** @AdamKatzJr

@katzmeow DON'T BE SO RUDE TO SENIOR CITIZENS, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'RE ONE TOO. ALSO HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK. ALSO HELLO KLAUS I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL. BEN AND JOEL ALSO SAY HELLO.

 

\---

 

 

 

**\----**

**cassie WORKS FOR AO3 NOW!!** @fanficfreak

Friendly reminder that August 21 is Fanfic Author Appreciation Day!! If you have a fanfic/author you really love on Archive Of Our Own (, etc.), don't be afraid to tell them in the comments or rec them to your friends!!

{this post has 3k retweets, including one from Dave Katz}

|

 **cassie WORKS FOR AO3 NOW!!** @fanficfreak

>> Wait

|

 **cassie WORKS FOR AO3 NOW!!** @fanficfreak

>>> Since when does The Seance's boyfriend read fic on Archive Of Our Own.

|

 **cassie WORKS FOR AO3 NOW!!** @fanficfreak

More importantly @katzmeow HAVE YOU READ MY STUFF

|

 **David Joshua Katz** @katzmeow

@fanficfreak Ohhh my God. I'm so sorry. I retweeted this because on Twitter I was searching for "ARCHIVES for VIETNAM VET SERVICE RECORDS." I didn't read the whole tweet.....

|

\---

 **cassie WORKS FOR AO3 NOW!!** @fanficfreak

 @katzmeow Can u still read my stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave is the youngest of four siblings bc I was inspired by this post from Cody Ray Thompson himself: https://davethearmyboy.tumblr.com/post/185844812341
> 
> Also happy Fanfic Writer Appreciation Day!! Shoutout to all the writers reading this. You are awesome and lovely and SO CLOSE to getting your big break <33


	20. school

**zoe** @haaargreeves

 

@ReleaseTheKraken Can you and your siblings give me/us some back to school advice?? i start in a few days and i'm pretty nervous :////

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@haaargreeves Well, all of us were homeschooled, and we never had the chance to go to a real public school. Even after that, I went to police academy instead of college -- the only siblings who *did* go to college were Allie (for acting) and Vanya (for music). But we can try!

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

>> Don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions in class! Questions are how you learn.

|

 **Allison Hargreeves** @RealAHargreeves

>> Set out your outfit for tomorrow the night before. It makes getting out of bed and getting ready go by a little faster.

|

 **Vanya “stay in school” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

>> Always show up on time for class and pay attention on the first day of school (and everyday). That day is when they outline the rest of the year.

|

 **Klaus** @klaustrophobic

>> Pay attention/take notes as much as you can.

|

 **Ben Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid 

Join plenty of clubs! Find new hobbies!

|

 **Five** @Five

>> One bad test (or a few) doesn't define you. There's nothing wrong with asking the teacher or others for extra help.

|

 **Luther Hargreeves** @Goodbyemoonmen

>> ^^^ Extra help is not something to be ashamed about!!

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

>> @haaargreeves And have a really great year :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes my friends, school season is almost upon us, so i will probably be updating my fics a lot less frequently...just be prepared for that :((


	21. the handler = wine mom

**Five** @Five

I just remembered when The Handler (alias “Kate Handler”)and some other agents went undercover in 2009 and made fake Twitter accounts and I’m going to vomit. Here are some retweets from “Kate.” All are COMPLETELY unironic.

|

 **Kate Handler** @BetterThanU

My doctor just said I need to eat healthier....wine has fruit in it, right? ;))

|

 **Dot** @Dot

@BetterThanU HA! So true 😆

|

 **Kate Handler** @BetterThanU

@Dot DOROTHEA, QUOTING RETWEETS IS IN EXTREMELY BAD TASTE. WHEN WE GET BACK YOU’RE FIRED. 

|

 **Kate Handler** @BetterThanU

@Dot Nevermind, I just got that champagne you sent me. Love you darling 😘 🍾 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the commission is a brotp of untapped potential 
> 
> also i have a tumblr now! what?? follow me @ dumpsterbagel if you wanna say hi / give me writing prompts ♥️♥️


	22. 2 spoopy 4 me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can tell this is the halloween chapter because it made this fic rise from the dead.

**Ben "The Horror....The Horror...." Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

 

H A P P Y   H A L L O W E E N 

|

 **Klaus "idk any halloweeny screen-names" H.** @klaustrophobic

>> bro where is your costume bro.

 |

 **Ben "The Horror....The Horror...." Hargreeves** @youreakidyoureasquid

@klaustrophobic well i WAS going to go as blues clues but then i realized....i'm already a former ghost who rose from the dead so i'm all set. i guess then so are @katzmeow + @DetEPatch

|

 **David "On the Second out of Nine Lives" Katz** @katzmeow

@youreakidyoureasquid Aw man, I really wanted to wear my James Dean outfit :((((

|

 **Det. Eudora Patch** @DetEPatch

@katzmeow Who the hell is James Dean

|

 **David "On the Second out of Nine Lives" Katz**  @katzmeow

@DetEPatch Uhh only one of the most famous actors of Golden Age Hollywood? "Rebel Without A Cause??" Do young people nowadays even WATCH the classics anymore???? What do they TEACH in these SCHOOLS

 

\---

 **Klaus "idk any halloweeny screen-names" H.**  @klaustrophobic

btw if any1 is wondering, this year i think i'll dress up as number four from the umbrella academy. he seems p cool.

**|**

**Det. Eudora Patch**  @DetEPatch

@klaustrophobic BOOOOO

|

 **Klaus "idk any halloweeny screen-names" H.**  @klaustrophobic

>> you don't have a costume either!! at least kraken is being a knight!

 

\----

 **Vanya “Ally Sheedy” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

 

[image description: Vanya and Allison respectively dressed up as Allison and Claire from "The Breakfast Club."] Yay sisters. 

|

 **IT'S CLAIRE AGAIN!! :P** @RealAHargreeves

@VanyaHargreeves wait who are you two even supposed to be?

|

 **Vanya “Ally Sheedy” Hargreeves** @VanyaHargreeves

 >> -______-   Allison please educate your child better

|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy halloween!! feel free to request stuff or yell at me on tumblr @ dumpsterbagel


	23. chanukah time (??)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dave katz versus queued tweets!
> 
> aka i wanted to write a chanukah chapter so bad but "real life" kept getting in the way. happy new year, lol.

**David Katz**  @katzmeow

Happy first night of Chanukah to all who celebrate!!!!!

{posted January 1st, 2020, 5:00 PM}

|

 **David Katz**  @katzmeow

> Hey what the hell??? My queued tweet from last (month? decade?) waited THIS LONG to post? I hate modern-day computers.

|

 **megan**  @ryeanreynolds

@katzmeow tech-impaired bb :3

|

 **David Katz**  @katzmeow

@ryeanreynolds I'm eighty years old. I'm not a baby.

|

 **miguel** @sourpickle

@ryeanreynolds ASFDJFAYFHTDT he just MURDERED you meg

 

\---

 

 **miguel** @sourpickle

@katzmeow how was your chanukah? was it any different than in your old time?

**|**

**David Katz**  @katzmeow

@sourpickle It was really fun, thank you for asking....But you'd think that after fifty years they'd have come up with more Chanukah songs.

|


	24. learning curve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which i include a callback to chapter 13, ben has a heart to heart with the horror, and i drop another very short chapter bc i'm very busy with school. oops

**diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@youreakidyoureasquid hey i know you were trying to learn korean, how's that going?

|

 **benny and the jetssss** @youreakidyoureasquid

@ReleaseTheKraken p good, still taking lessons online. just learned a lot of great phrases this week

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@youreakidyoureasquid wait like what kind of phrases?

|

 **benny and the jetssss** @youreakidyoureasquid

@ReleaseTheKraken "Where's the nearest bus stop," "Stop right there, criminal," "Horror please take that out of your mouth," "Horror I swear to God please put them down."

|

 **diego!** @ReleaseTheKraken

@youreakidyoureasquid oh ok

 


	25. permanent job change

**Eudora Patch** @EPatch

Just officially retired from my job as a police department detective, I think I'm going to try out a new job instead.

|

 **Allison Hargreeves**  @RealAHargreeves

@EPatch Like what?

|

 **Eudora Patch** @EPatch

@RealAHargreeves Probably an office job.

|

 **Allison Hargreeves**  @RealAHargreeves

@EPatch Doing what?

|

 **Eudora Patch** @EPatch

@RealAHargreeves I don't know yet.

|

 **Allison Hargreeves**  @RealAHargreeves

@EPatch Why not?

|

 **Eudora Patch** @EPatch

@RealAHargreeves Because I just don't???????

|

 **Eudora Patch** @EPatch

@RealAHargreeves And Claire I know it's you on your mom's account again.

|

 **Allison Hargreeves**  @RealAHargreeves

@EPatch Awww. :(((((((((

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> foiled again, claire.


End file.
